Overall, this is an excellent start to a compelling essay. Keep in mind that although the committee allows you to write up to five pages, three double-spaced pages is usually adequate. Feel free to add more detail, but make sure your text is concise and transparent. You might consider "writing" ideas and then "rewriting" them. Too often, authors put ideas onto the page, but do not render those ideas compellingly. Giving your sentences a bit of extra effort, and giving your experiences a bit of extra reflection, will result in a persuasive essay that compliments your accomplishments and character.
Personal essay is one of the richest, most vibrant and rage literary forms. As it gives you an opportunity to exceed the limits of the standard essay, to utilize conversational tone, dialogues, settings and characterizations. Before writing your work you should try to plunge into you inner world, get to know yourself from the inside and gain the understanding of the self. Writing your personal essay intends to vent your thoughts, ideas, interests to the others and lets you drive toward candor, self-disclosure, honesty with yourself. After such a revelation with yourself you'll be surprised by the quantity of positive sides you've got.